I suck at blogging consistently.

I love being single. I think. But it honestly takes so much work to be happy and single. When you’re in a relationship, you have someone else to do nice things for you (or not and then thats a whole other story) and this person makes you feel happy so you don’t even realize that any effort was put forth. However, when you’re single.. that other person is you. Now I know a solid act that always makes me happy, shopping.. which I’ll do plenty of this weekend due to my recent need for retail therapy.. but that can’t always be the answer, unfortunately my bank account doesn’t magically replenish itself, that’d be nice. It’s amazing to me sometimes how much I have to try to do things that will make me happy. I don’t want to be upset! I try really hard not to be! but i’m surrounded by couples and people my age are starting to get married?! i mean clearly they’re too young so they’re insane but still, they think they found the one? what am i doing? going out, partying and not thinking anything at all about the future? yup.  I’m envious that they are all happy enough and think that this person is the one they want to be with forever. I’ve been in a long relationship before and I know it takes effort too but how do you fool yourself into being happy when you know what you’re doing.. cause its you. I know, i know, when you break up with someone you’re suppose to keep yourself busy, find a new hobby. but what about after that.. after that newly broken up stage.. when you realize that it’s just you and no stupid hobby is going to make you forget again that you’re single. single. alone.

I think the real shock is coming home to my family during break. of course they all ask me if i’m seeing anyone, if i’m still talking to the X.. that’s hard. I know what the answers are, but to explain it to other people, repeatedly.. it’s different when you say it out loud, to people that aren’t going to just say “ok” they’ll just ask more questions. I’m pretty good at blocking things from my mind. Not thinking about the X, easy. Keeping myself occupied at school, easy. Coming home to a “relaxing” aka boring-theres-nothing-to-do-but-think-about-your-life break and having to explain to your family your love life, ridiculously hard.

I know they mean well but I don’t want to talk about it. Talking about it means I have to think about it. And up until now I haven’t for one simple reason, it still hurts. Unfortunately, blocking it from your mind doesn’t make it hurt less when it reappears.

I feel like you should only be allowed to be hurt by a relationship so much. One round of fights. maybe two. not 9, come on someone just needs to call it quits before one of us gets knocked out.

I think the X and I have reached a point where too many things have happened. Every fight turns into a well you did this .. even though it was 2 years ago and isn’t relevant to what we’re talking about. too much has happened to forget. nothing seems to be changing for the better. i mean he and I can hope all we want about our future but does he not see what’s going on? it’s like we just picked up where we left off.. and unlike in a good book.. thats not a good thing.

I guess all is well because tomorrow I get to see my best friend and have some much needed retail therapy. vent about whats happened since i saw her and not have to explain anything because she knows. Its amazing how close friends can be that we don’t have to say anything at all and know exactly how the other one is feeling. i think that’s why i’ve been so happy since the break up with the X bc they’ve been there for me and knew exactly how i was feeling and knew exactly how to distract me from sitting in my room with a pint of ice cream. that’s real friendship. i’m not a big  believer in relationships and i feel completely fine about that because with girlfriends as great as mine i don’t need a guy to make me happy. yes going out and meeting guys is great, but i don’t need them to text me, i got that. I dont need them to go out to dinner with me, i got that. I dont need them to call me just to talk because i’m already laying on the floor with my girls talking about anything under the sun.

so cheers, to the single ladies, because having a guy might be nice, but buying 10 pairs of shoes to make yourself feel better is a whole lot sweeter and will probably last a lot longer 🙂