Just kidding, scratch that.

i’m clearly the most indecisive person i know. i’d like to completely contradict my last post in saying that i love having a relationship. Now, technically, I am not dating anyone. But everyone knows how that goes.. we’re not “dating” we’re just “talking.” whatever, it’s basically the same thing with out the title. As much as i do love being independent and making my own way, it’s not as satisfying by yourself. I have missed making someone else happy other than just myself. Theres some higher enjoyment out of knowing that you’re making someone else happy that in turn makes you even happier.  So i guess i’ll continue with this whole non-relationship title relationship that i have going on because it’s definitely making me happy, which is the most important thing right?

I suck at blogging consistently.

I love being single. I think. But it honestly takes so much work to be happy and single. When you’re in a relationship, you have someone else to do nice things for you (or not and then thats a whole other story) and this person makes you feel happy so you don’t even realize that any effort was put forth. However, when you’re single.. that other person is you. Now I know a solid act that always makes me happy, shopping.. which I’ll do plenty of this weekend due to my recent need for retail therapy.. but that can’t always be the answer, unfortunately my bank account doesn’t magically replenish itself, that’d be nice. It’s amazing to me sometimes how much I have to try to do things that will make me happy. I don’t want to be upset! I try really hard not to be! but i’m surrounded by couples and people my age are starting to get married?! i mean clearly they’re too young so they’re insane but still, they think they found the one? what am i doing? going out, partying and not thinking anything at all about the future? yup.  I’m envious that they are all happy enough and think that this person is the one they want to be with forever. I’ve been in a long relationship before and I know it takes effort too but how do you fool yourself into being happy when you know what you’re doing.. cause its you. I know, i know, when you break up with someone you’re suppose to keep yourself busy, find a new hobby. but what about after that.. after that newly broken up stage.. when you realize that it’s just you and no stupid hobby is going to make you forget again that you’re single. single. alone.

I think the real shock is coming home to my family during break. of course they all ask me if i’m seeing anyone, if i’m still talking to the X.. that’s hard. I know what the answers are, but to explain it to other people, repeatedly.. it’s different when you say it out loud, to people that aren’t going to just say “ok” they’ll just ask more questions. I’m pretty good at blocking things from my mind. Not thinking about the X, easy. Keeping myself occupied at school, easy. Coming home to a “relaxing” aka boring-theres-nothing-to-do-but-think-about-your-life break and having to explain to your family your love life, ridiculously hard.

I know they mean well but I don’t want to talk about it. Talking about it means I have to think about it. And up until now I haven’t for one simple reason, it still hurts. Unfortunately, blocking it from your mind doesn’t make it hurt less when it reappears.

I feel like you should only be allowed to be hurt by a relationship so much. One round of fights. maybe two. not 9, come on someone just needs to call it quits before one of us gets knocked out.

I think the X and I have reached a point where too many things have happened. Every fight turns into a well you did this .. even though it was 2 years ago and isn’t relevant to what we’re talking about. too much has happened to forget. nothing seems to be changing for the better. i mean he and I can hope all we want about our future but does he not see what’s going on? it’s like we just picked up where we left off.. and unlike in a good book.. thats not a good thing.

I guess all is well because tomorrow I get to see my best friend and have some much needed retail therapy. vent about whats happened since i saw her and not have to explain anything because she knows. Its amazing how close friends can be that we don’t have to say anything at all and know exactly how the other one is feeling. i think that’s why i’ve been so happy since the break up with the X bc they’ve been there for me and knew exactly how i was feeling and knew exactly how to distract me from sitting in my room with a pint of ice cream. that’s real friendship. i’m not a big  believer in relationships and i feel completely fine about that because with girlfriends as great as mine i don’t need a guy to make me happy. yes going out and meeting guys is great, but i don’t need them to text me, i got that. I dont need them to go out to dinner with me, i got that. I dont need them to call me just to talk because i’m already laying on the floor with my girls talking about anything under the sun.

so cheers, to the single ladies, because having a guy might be nice, but buying 10 pairs of shoes to make yourself feel better is a whole lot sweeter and will probably last a lot longer 🙂

silence

I despise the times in life where everything becomes so quiet you finally stop to realize all the pain you’ve been holding deep inside you. The business of your day is no longer there for you to use as a blindfold to what you are really feeling. No facebook, no Gilmore girls, no roommate, no teacher, no exercise, no food is going to stop you from thinking about him. The one you want to love. The one you want to hate. The one you wish would call you to say hello. The one you want to scream at because he’s not what you want him to be. The one who screams at you because you expect him to fall madly for you with just one look. But then there is you. Why aren’t you thinking about yourself? Do you want to be treated this way? Do you like throwing yourself at people just to get them to pay attention to you? Stop this.  You deserve better. You deserve the one. You know the one. The one who treats you like a secret gem. The one the that brags about you to all his friends for all the right reasons. The one that lights up when he sees you and most importantly you light up when you see him. This guy is not here. This is not him. He is not deserving of your time. But he is here. And that’s all you see. Your phone vibrates, it’s him.

urggh

It’s annoying how the past doesn’t just disappear like i want it to. Old memories that i’ve tried to push to the back of my mind are brought up over and over again against my will. There are some things that are better left unsaid, but no one i know follows that. I just wish i could erase a few things from the past, just rip that page of the book out and throw it away, maybe burn it just for kicks. However, i know these things aren’t just going to disappear. I try to be strong and pretend these things don’t bother me because really they shouldn’t. I’m not sure if i accomplish that or if i’m just as transparent as i believe. Don’t get me wrong, my life is perfect right now. And maybe that’s why i have the ability to nitpick at these menial things. I’ll just keep pretending, everyday. It seems to have worked thus far, maybe someday these memories will move on and then i can stop pretending. stop thinking about them.

A weekend full of regret

commitment has never been a strong point of mine. let’s just say i didn’t keep my promises this weekend. I disregarded the values of my self and my boyfriend. I don’t think i honestly knew how bad i messed up until i had to tell my boyfriend of the past night’s event. to hear the pain in his voice was on the hardest things to go through. what killed me the most was hearing him try to be strong and be okay with what i had to tell him. the fact that he forgave me makes me the luckiest girl alive. i don’t know i’d handle the situation if it was reversed. he took it so much better than i probably would have. this whole situation has made me value what i have so much. i know i have a lot of commitment issues but i am going to work hard from now on to make sure this situation never happens again. i don’t care if i have to stop drinking all together, he is it worth it to me.

Winter quarter begins.. and I can’t stop thinking of Spring

I cannot believe I use to complain about the cold weather at home where I had a car to take me everywhere. I’ve never been as cold as I am walking 15 minutes to class across campus in 10 degree weather. I can only dream of riding in a heated vehicle 😦 Every morning this quarter I work bright and early all the way across campus. Granted, I usually take a bus, but the wait for the bus is equally as long as walking to work. The freezing weather is not a happy way to start my day, but I suppose the snow is quite pretty. Walking home from my night class the other night as the snow fell around me and the gas lights shining around me felt like a scene perfect enough for a movie.

On a happier note, my boyfriend is coming in two days! I can’t wait to see him. My day is simply happier with him by my side. When i come home from class friday he should be waiting for me in my room. Nothing seems better than to have him there for me all the time. Going to different schools didn’t seem so bad at first but the distance is really starting to get to me. It’s not impossible to go without seeing him but I’m just not the same when I’m missing him everyday. However, he’s taking the greyhound to see me this weekend and I cannot wait! We have plans all weekend already and plenty of time to do nothing at all together. I’m just so excited to spend time with him this weekend since I may not see him for weeks again.

Oh well, off to bed so that I can wake up early and go out into the blustery weather!

Post New Years, Not something to celebrate

When I arrived at the party last night, I was happily greeted by many varieties of alcohol, all of which I had to choose from. To my dismay, those choices are not fond memories now. With three hours of sleep, I came home this morning to lounge around my house, and post up in the bathroom for quite some time now. I would still be sleeping, or should I say trying to sleep against the will of my turning stomach, if the Rose Bowl were not coming on soon. It may be an early night after the games over around 9. Hey, not only 5 year olds can go to bed that early. I suppose I will go try to eat something if my stomach agrees, Ta-ta.

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